What makes you unhappy in your relationships?
Be aware of the assumptions that your mind offers. Could it be something else?
Many of us learned to believe early in life that other people determine our happiness. We might learn to live by this belief before we learn to talk or walk. This is the first false belief we create about our relationships. We can find a clue to this in our subconscious behind comments we make such as “he/she makes me so happy.”
The truth is that you make yourself happy. You probably just don’t know how anymore. In the midst of life experience we lose track of how we become unhappy and who is responsible. We have created so many automatic emotional reactions over the years that we have become unfamiliar with how to make ourselves happy. When we come back to the the idea that we make ourselves happy it may even seem foreign.
It can become difficult to keep track of which emotions are reactions and which are authentic expressions. There is another person that can often appear to be responsible when we react. We interpret it this way so appears to be true. But there is another possible cause for our emotion. What if the emotions we feel are emotions we create?
We can see with clarity the dynamic of love in creating happiness in relationship. It also puts into perspective the role of responsibility and the power of agreements in the area of emotions. With this awareness we can do away with all the blame and fault finding. Then it is time to get on with the real work, finding and changing false beliefs that we use as an excuse to not express our love.
We never forget how to express our love. We just become so caught up in judgments, opinions, and reasoning that we don’t take the time to do it.
Second False Belief we create in our relationships
Once the false core belief paradigm is established, our mind starts to build other false beliefs. One of the next false beliefs is, “I will be unhappy without you.” Our mind associates this person leaving us with unhappiness, sadness, anger, and loneliness. In our mind all of these painful emotions are associated with someone rejecting us. In order to avoid these painful emotions we might stay in a relationship that is unhappy, or become controlling of another person so they stay. In either case our false beliefs are determining our decisions and behaviors. These behaviors are driven by the fear of feeling an emotional pain of being alone. In reality there isn’t a pain of being alone but there is a belief that it is painful. Fear of rejection and fear of being alone drive poor decisions in relationships. These fears are based in beliefs that are not true. This belief is experienced in our behavior when we hesitate asking someone to dance or out on a date. This belief also lives out in behaviors of jealousy and insecurity.
Third False Belief we create in our relationships
If we are afraid of being alone we modify our behavior to gain attention from a person in order to get their love. We also change our behavior in ways to avoid rejection or even judgment from other people. We may have been doing these modifications for so long that they have become a “normal” part of our personality and are difficult to see. By modifying ourselves for someone else we become inauthentic. We pretend to be happy because people won’t like us or want to be with us if we are unhappy. We hide aspects of ourselves out of fear that others will judge us. We associate their judgments as rejection that will leave us lonely. To compensate we put on a mask for them. We might play the role of hero or go out of the way to please people to win their favor.
We can identify false beliefs such as these hiding behind thoughts like. “If they really got to know me then they wouldn’t like me.” We become inauthentic and false in order to avoid the painful emotions we associate with being rejected or judged. But the painful emotions we associate with being alone are based in false beliefs. These secondary beliefs would never stand without the first false belief that other people make us happy. When we break the first core belief it is like pulling the bottom card from house of cards. The other false beliefs and inauthentic behaviors fall easily. When this happens we let go of our fears. It becomes easy to express love and be happy again.
To develop love, and respect in relationships requires that you dissolve judgments and emotional reactions and gain mastery over your mind. For exercises and activites in developing mastery over your mind and emotions go to the Self Mastery Course.
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MP3 Audio How to tell if a relationship will work.