Insecurity in Relationships

Dear Gary,

I just experienced this jealousy reaction. I have a girlfriend for a year now, but still struggle with the fact that sometimes I feel I’ve been giving in too much and that she’s already in power and she could lie to me cause she knows she has me where she wants. In my society, men are the one in control and having a serious relationship with just one girl and give everything to her it’s not seen as a very male thing (I’m Dominican by the way). I feel that I express all my feeling and worry too much about this relationship. I was cheated on and lied to before in past relationships.

Is it good to give everything or is OK to hold back a little sometimes?

Is there an answer to why I feel so insecure in a relationship and so secure when I’m single?.

Thank you for taking time to read this.

Insecurity in Relationships.

Is it good to give everything or is it okay to hold back a little sometimes?”

What is everything? If giving all your love is the question, then no problem. It will be a pleasure for you to express all your love to your partner. For that matter it will be a pleasure for you to express your love to any one. You can let that emotion come out of you all the time to everyone and they don’t even have to know. Most people will not even notice. With an intimate partner you can express your love in many ways and it can be even more enjoyable.

However, if giving “everything” to your partner includes giving all your fears, anger, doubt, and worry of being cheated that you carry from a past relationship you will fill yourself and her with fear and worry. Then I see no value to spreading the emotional dis-ease of fear and worry.

If giving “everything” to your partner includes the choices over your life, opinions of your self worth, and how you feel emotionally, this is very dangerous. It could become hell emotionally for you depending on how she treats you. You might end up in fear, walking on egg shells afraid of her opinion. Why would you give someone that power over how you feel emotionally? Why give the power over your happiness to someone else? Their opinion is nothing more than a conceptual idea and only has power over your emotions if you agree to it. (I suggest listening and practicing the first two free Self Mastery Course to better understand what I am trying to explain.)

Is there an answer to why I feel so insecure in a relationship and so secure when Im single?

Yes. You feel insecure because you base your self worth on what your partner happens to be thinking of you in that moment. That criteria for self worth is as solid as the thoughts that pass through her mind. It can change in any moment and is a very insecure foundation for your self esteem and emotional state to stand on.

The feeling that you could fall is because your self image can be pushed over by something as small as a comment. Or even by your own assumption of what someone else is thinking. That is part of what creates the feeling of insecurity.

In giving “everything”, does that mean being completely honest? In being completely honest should you share with her about your fears and insecurity? That depends. What does she do with the information you give her about your self? Does she recognize the courage it takes to be that honest and respect and honor you for your courage? Or does she use it later to manipulate and control you with judgments and criticisms that push your emotional reactions?

If it is the latter, and she uses what you share to hurt you emotionally, then there is no need to gossip about your self to your girlfriend. Don’t give her “everything” (everything being all the thoughts you have about your self. Thoughts that aren’t even true by the way.) Giving information to someone that will mistreat you with it just amounts to conspiring with others to abuse your self emotionally. It is for reasons like this, and many others that impeccability of your word is so critical in creating happiness in your relationships and your life.

Related Material

For a process to overcome your insecurity and gain mastery over your emotions download and listen to the Self Mastery Course.

Understanding and overcoming insecurity