Controlling Relationships

What are some dynamics of an emotionally controlling relationship?

I want to look beyond some of the of verbal criticism, put downs, and judgments that are the obvious elements of emotionally abusive and controlling relationships.

I want to take some space here to outline how some of the power and illusions of power aspects affect an emotionally controlling relationship. For this I’ll use the characters of Jack and Jill to illustrate a story.

Jack and Jill are a couple. Jack gets caught up in a crisis at work and doesn’t call Jill when he said he would. Jill feels left out, rejected, and gets mad at Jack for leaving her alone. She doesn’t like being alone and holds Jack responsible for her unhappy situation. Her internal or external dialogue might be something like, “He really makes me mad when he does that.”

What is critical to note here is that the emotion of anger and unhappiness is Jill’s. The second thing to notice is that she holds Jack to be the cause responsible for her emotions.

In another scenario Jack and Jill go to a party and for some reason Jill feels embarrassed by Jack’s behavior. She is concerned that people will think poorly of Jack, and that it reflects poorly on her.

The emotion Jill feels is embarrassment and the person she holds as the cause is Jack.

So in these two cases we have identified the emotions and Jill’s belief about who is responsible. It is Jill’s belief that she is angry or embarrassed because of what Jack did or didn’t do. In Jill’s belief paradigm if Jack had done something different Jill would be happier. Jill’s internal or external dialogue might include something like, “If you hadn’t done that I wouldn’t be so upset”.

In Jill’s mind she feels abused and it appears that Jack is mistreating her emotionally. This kind of mindset sets Jill up to do a 180 and be the controlling and abusive person in the relationship. She judges, blames, and condemns Jack. Her anger at Jack is completely justified from this victim point of view.

On the flip side Jack might very well fall into the same paradigm. If it is Jack’s belief that he is the cause of someone else’s emotional reaction then he sets himself up to be controlled in the relationship. This may sound backwards. How could Jack be the one being controlled if he is the one powerful enough to cause another’s emotional reactions? The answer is guilt.

Going back to Jack and Jill’s controlling relationship: Jill is angry at Jack for not calling or doing something she perceives as embarrassing. If Jack believes he is really the cause of Jill’s pain, then, he will likely feel guilty for hurting Jill. Jack will not want Jill to have another painful emotional reaction and he won’t want to feel the guilt of causing her pain so he will look for a solution. Jack will begin to modify his behavior to avoid Jill’s emotional reactions. No doubt Jill will have input into what Jack should and shouldn’t be doing to keep her happy.

Jill will tell him to call when he says he is going to call. Jill will tell him not to do those embarrassing things. Jill will suggest, ask, or even demand that Jack change his behavior in order for her to avoid her own painful emotional wounds.

On the surface it looks like Jack has all the power over Jill’s emotions. That is why Jack feels responsible and will try hard to do things right. Of course “right” is according to Jill’s expectations and requirements. Jill plays the powerless victim that doesn’t have control over her emotions, and by doing so she can guilt Jack into modifying his behavior.

Jill might also act with anger towards Jack when she is upset. The anger might also include criticism, judgments, and put downs for his actions, behaviors or looks. If Jill is disappointed with Jack in some way, Jack may feel he should act or perform differently so Jill isn’t disappointed. Again the illusion Jack lives under is that he is determining Jill’s emotions. Every emotional reaction that Jill has sends Jack into deeper guilt, self blame, self rejection, unworthiness and insecurity.
Jill uses the emotions of gratitude, acceptance, and love to reward Jack when he does something she likes, and to become upset or depressed and sad when he does something he doesn’t’ like. Her emotions are either a pleasant reward or an unpleasant punishment to Jacks emotional body and self esteem. In this way Jill uses the power of her emotional reactions to encourage or discourage Jack’s behaviors.

At one level it looks like Jill is in reaction to Jack’s action. But if you look at Jack’s reaction to Jill’s emotion, you see her emotions as a means of control that Jack reacts to.

Illusions of Power and Control

Jack believes he is the one responsible for both of their emotions so he feels somewhat powerful in this regard. This illusion of power can be somewhat seductive. But this isn’t true. It is just the illusion of power. Jack isn’t responsible for Jill’s emotions and he can’t control her reactions. Jill can’t even control her own emotions. She is just reacting to the interpretations and core beliefs in her own mind.

Because Jack is under the illusion that he is the powerful one in this relationship he doesn’t notice that his behavior is being controlled and dictated by Jill. He doesn’t see how he is modifying his behavior to every emotional reaction Jill has, or emotion he predicts she will have.

But no matter what Jack does, he can’t seem to get it right because Jill still has emotional reactions to the interpretations and core beliefs in her mind. Nobody has control over these interpretations and so nobody has control over Jill’s emotions, not even Jill. Jack ends up walking around on egg shells becoming hyper vigilant with fear of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, or not doing the right thing and setting off her emotional reactions of anger, disappointment, judgment, and criticisms.

Feeling Like It Is Your Fault

Jack becomes afraid of her anger and afraid of his self inflicted feelings of guilt and failure if he doesn’t behave just right. Jill persuades, and Jack agrees with the lie, that things would be just fine if he didn’t do the things that upset her. He believes that the problems in the relationship are his fault. They believe the same lie so it has the appearance of fact. Jack doesn’t see the big picture of Jill’s behavior because Jill has conditioned him to focus completely on his own behavior.

Beliefs Behind Staying in a Controlling Relationship

One of the reasons, (and there are quite a few) that it is difficult for an emotionally abused person to leave an abuser is that the illusion and feeling of power is very seductive. As Jack believes more and more that he is responsible for Jill’s emotions, he is under the illusion of being powerful in the relationship. He might feel like a failure and frustrated that nothing he does works, but at the same time is trying to fix everything about both of them. He is the one trying to fix things because he believes he is responsible for both of their problems. This kind of heroic effort feeds the false hope for a positive outcome and a positive self image as a reward.

At the same time, with the entire burden on himself, if the relationship fails he will interpret it that he failed. This is a self judgment of failure that may be too painful to consider. This logic of trying to avoid painful failure is part of what keeps him trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship looking for a solution.

If he considers what others will think of him his feeling of failure is amplified.

When you have the illusion of power over another emotions and responsibility over success and failure of the relationship it is easy to get trapped in the idea that you are the one that is failing when things don’t work out. You don’t see that your partner is not holding up their half of the relationship.

Some of these illusions fall apart when you wake up to the fact that you don’t control or determine another person’s emotional state. You are not responsible for their half of the behavior. You are not responsible for their emotional reactions of fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, and disappointment. You are not responsible for their emotions even if they say and believe you are. You are only responsible for your half.

No one can make you feel a certain emotion at any given moment. In just the same way, you can’t control the emotions another person feels. Taking responsibility for your emotions, and more importantly, not taking responsibility for anybody else’s is a be step in ending unhappy relationship dynamics.

These are just some of the dynamics of an emotionally controlling relationship and perhaps some insights on how the illusions and false beliefs in our mind keep us trapped. The key to changing these dynamics is awareness. First gain awareness of the emotions, and then awareness of where responsibility is being placed. These are a good place to start to break the cycle of unhappiness in relationship.

Whether you are the abuser or the emotionally abused that wants to break the cycle, begin by taking responsibility for your emotions, and don’t take responsibility for anybody else’s emotions.

For specific practical steps on how to do this, sign into my Self Mastery Course and practice the exercises provided.



  1. shannon July 9, 2007 at 11:28 pm

    This is so me – I NEVER, EVER knew that this was the problem in my marriage – I knew I was insecure and it took a 17 year marriage to dissolve to realize that I could have and can change my whole way of thinking and feeling.
    I can only hope it’s not too late to find the happiness I deprived my spouse of for years…….I will keep this updated.

  2. Gary July 10, 2007 at 12:01 am

    I don’t think it’s too late for anybody. It’s only a matter of having a strong enough desire that you take some helpful actions.

  3. Pingback: Being Optimistic at Happiness

  4. Miserable & Confused August 3, 2007 at 4:08 pm

    This is so me too! Except the other way around… I am Jack. I feel so lost.. I don’t know what to do. It seems as though the only answer is going to be to leave, give up. Not what I want. But maybe it’s the only answer… I been trying to make changes but get no co-operation from the other side. No willingness to look at the problem or even acknowledge that maybe there is a problem. That maybe she needs to make some changes. I feel completely alone. And the crazy thing is that I keep feeling that I need to win her back.. change myself.. my strategy. Trick her into loving me and then everything will be better. As much as I know that this isn’t working I’m terrified that I will be miserable without it. That the loss of this horrible relationship will be the end of all happiness. That I will never find another. It’s pathetic. Or I am. Arggggghh. I just want out of feeling this way. I want to be happy again. Feel happy again. I want her to be happy too, it would be great if we could be happy together but maybe that isn’t to be. I want off this ride!

  5. Gary August 3, 2007 at 4:45 pm

    It’s not a lost cause it just feels lost. There’s just a few thought processes in the mind that keep you from seeing the way out and taking the steps to make the change. Hoping for her to change or things to return to their happy days is one of them. Read the post on Being Optimistic. When you face the brutal facts you might be more willing to take action.

    Second thing you will have to do is adjust your time line. You are focused on what you want today or right now. Begin asking what you want the next 5 and 10 years to be like? It’s easy to tolerate the pain of today. It’s just one day. When you project that pain over the next 5-10 years your motivation to take action shifts.

    Then there is the fear of being alone. Was there ever a time in your life when you were alone and you were happy? Have you ever been alone in nature and enjoyed the beauty of it? Being alone (not in a relationship) is not your fear. Was there ever a moment before your partner that you were happy? The set of beliefs around fear of being alone is a big pack of lies.

  6. Can people change? September 2, 2007 at 9:14 am

    My fiance has control, anger, and jealousy issues. i feel like he’s taking out problems he’s faced in the past out on me. (his past relationship, his mom, etc.)  According to him, if he controls me he can help me avoid getting in a bad situation. but its making me miserable!  He works offshore so he leaves for months at a time and he finds it hard to trust me because “all women are the same.”  Apparently we all cheat.  They say love is blind.  I guess I always make excuses for his irrational behavior.  I feel bad for him.  He says and does thing that he doesn’t even realize.  Its like he has no control over it.  I suppose I’m one of those people who wants to believe i can change someone.  I know people don’t just change over night but is it possible to change over time?  If he goes to counseling do you suppose things could change?  He can be a very sweet caring person at times but it changes radically.  He continues to say that I don’t love him and I don’t care.  I just don’t want to give up on him because I really care but i don’t want to make myself miserable either.  Should i invest my time or move on?

  7. Gary September 2, 2007 at 5:45 pm

    Can a people change? The answer is yes, but they usually don’t. Before a person changes they must first want to. And they have to really want to. It will have to be more important for them to change than to be right. And for a man this can be a lot. Most men don’t embrace that kind of change until they have completely exhausted all efforts to change the people around them. Even then most men will get different people around them and try to change them. They will hang on to their story that they were right all along about the people from their relationships. (including mom)

    Should I invest my time or move on?

    If you mean should you invest time in trying to make it work I am not here to tell you what to do. However it might help to consider a few things.

    Do you want to be with him the way he is? Yes he is a sweet caring person sometimes but you are not in relationship with him sometimes. You are in a relationship with him all the time. Your answer needs to be based on the whole person he is. If you base your answer on who he is sometimes you are lying to your self about the relationship you have.

    It sounds like the investment you are talking about is in changing him. How much experience do you have in changing another person’s behavior? How successful have you been at this in the past?

    To do this you will first have to get him to realize his behavior is a problem and that he needs to change. Of course it will be difficult for you to convey this because he already doesn’t trust you or respect you. (“According to him, if he controls me he can help me avoid getting in a bad situation”) He isn’t going to believe you are right about these things because he already believes you are wrong. Believing you are right about his issues also means he has to come to believe he is wrong. People don’t like to be told or made to feel that they are wrong. It makes them miserable as you are finding out. They are more likely to fight back with resentment and anger.

    In the relationship as it stands it seems that he is controlling you through anger, jealousy, and putting opinions in your mind that you can’t be trusted with your self. Your reaction to this is to try and change him. In a way you are attempting to control him back. Does this sound like the kind of relationship you want?

    The question is, Do you want him the way he is now? The way he really is? Not just the sweet parts, but all of him. That includes his history, his anger, jealousy, opinions, and the way he treats you. Is that how you want to be treated?

    If you continue with the relationship you are telling him it is okay to treat you the way he has been treating you. He will continue to control you the way he has been doing. It is not easy to say you agree with the relationship but I want you to change your personality, emotions, and behavior in the way you treat me. This is asking for a different relationship.

    People don’t change because you want them to. People change because they want to. And people don’t decide to want to change because you want them to. They have to find that desire to change on their own in their own time.

    About the issue of caring for him. You can care for him and love him but it doesn’t mean that you get along or are very compatible. You can have those feelings of caring for him from a distance.

  8. end of the road? September 16, 2007 at 1:42 am

    I am in a relationship in which I was the abuser but then I became the abused when I admitted my previous faults. I have my share of problems. He now says he will change as a result of my recent choice to no longer accept his behavior and leave… ie become responsible for his feelings, drop his pride and need to be right, etc. I have seen a sincere effort on his part to be more open and address his faults, we have been able to enjoy conversations. However, I can’t trust this sudden change in character because it is still an unequal relationship. I am holding the power with my decision(in his eyes). He is very afraid of being alone and I don’t believe he has considered it as an option. I also can’t trust change in a person when it hasn’t come from within themselves, I dont think it is a long term solution.

    I am very frightened by all of these possibilities. I am also afraid by my inferences that he does not feel he has a choice and that this plea fulfills a need and not a want but who am I to make these inferences?

    What I am wondering is if you have any advice regarding this issue. Also, what is Jill supposed to do in that scenario? She cant just accept Jack’s inconsideration but I also understand that she is responsible for her own feelings.

  9. Gary September 16, 2007 at 4:15 am

    Your concerns in this issue are valid. What are the motivations that you can’t see? How the relationship is still a power struggle when you propose leave it. Can he make real change when his motivation is externally coming from your threat to end it? Is his desire genuine?

    One of the most critical issues as you work through this is not just what you do, but more importantly how you do it. What is the base of emotions with which you make these observations and decisions?

    For instance are your concerns about all this based in fear? Is there a fear of making the wrong choice? Or, is there an awareness of the risks and consequences without the fear?

    When we were children we learned to deal with cars and cross the street through fear. Fear heightened our awareness. Mostly that fear was learned from upsetting our mom or her yanking our arm or yelling at us. But it was fear just the same. As we got older we stopped being afraid of cars. They didn’t get any less dangerous. We just learned how to observe carefully what they are doing, how fast they are going. Even to the degree of whether the driver is aware of us or not. We compile all these factors and we can make a conscious snap decision without fear.

    As you become more aware of your self, and the subtle signs to pay attention to in relationships you will learn to drop the fear and make your choices with awareness.

    Another Element: I suspect that the fear is about getting hurt emotionally. This all has to do with living in the paradigm that your emotions (feeling hurt, rejected etc) is the responsibility of the other party. I suggest listening to all the podcasts. Start with “Don’t Take Anything Personally” and listen to the first couple sessions in the Self Mastery course. Pay particular attention to the second session on Abdication of Power.

    The point is that when you control your own attention and your own emotions there is nothing to be afraid of. (I’m not including the issue of physical violence here.)

    As long as you are attempting to solve this relationship problem from a fear paradigm you won’t ever feel really safe. You’ll just be putting temporary patches on a boat that isn’t solid enough to make it through changing waters. There will always be doubts and second guessing in the mind.

    I’m not offering advice. For starters it is disrespectful. You are inviting me to influence your life by giving you suggestions. I don’t feel it is wise to put that much power over your life in another person’s hands, including me. This is your life, your decisions. If you want advice from someone, realize that you are potentially giving up power. If you are really serious about advice then set up a few sessions to help you work through this on the phone. But don’t expect me to understand enough of the specific dynamics to give sound feedback from the little I know so far.

    What I am offering is something much more challenging and life changing. Free your self from fear and gain mastery over your own emotions and happiness. It is a longer term process, but since you are likely to be in relationships the rest of your life it might turn out to be a sound investment in your self.

    Controlling behavior is just a symptom of the real problem. The real problem is fear, and fear based beliefs.

  10. Neeta July 16, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    I find myself identifying with Jill, I see so much of myself in her that it is scary. This behaviour has placed alot of strain on our relationship. I love my partner alot and he loves me too, but I can’t help feeling insecure. I know that my feelings of insecurity are based on my past relationship were I was cheated on and I know that it is no excuse for my behaviour and I am trying I just do not know how to stop myself feeling this way. When he doesn’t anser his phone, it brings back feelings of when my ex was not answering the phone because he was with someone else. I do not want to hold my current partner responsible for my ex’s actions but i am not sure how to go about it. I want to desperatly change my behaviour before I drive him and myself insane.

  11. Gary July 16, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    Making changes in our emotional behavior is not something that we were taught how to do. That’s why we “don’t know how to go about it.”

    That’s why there is help. I teach people through my individual coaching session how to find and change the agreements that drive their behavior. I also put some of the introductory sessions in audio format in the Self Mastery program. The link for my coaching and the Self Mastery audio course are at the top.


  12. Mare July 22, 2008 at 3:52 am

    Gary, first off, I want to tell you that I loved your article! It was so helpful to me. I was able to identify with everything you talked about, especially the section on beliefs behind staying in a controlling relationship. You described me to a tee! I have a question: in your article, you say that Jill feels abused and therefore, she becomes the abuser. Do you know what causes the abused to become the abuser? I was shocked the other night to hear my boyfriend tell me that he resents me and feels abused by me. I was in shock because I have felt like I am the one who is being abused (he criticises me, tells me that I need to change and says I am 80% to blame for the problems in our relationship and in fights, he calls me names, and puts down my family). I know that I have not been flawless in this relationship, but I do not treat him the way he treats me and I have acknowledged my flaws and continue to work on improving them. So, now I’m wondering, is the problem really just with him ie. does he have some control issues and he would ultimately be like this with anyone OR I am responsible for making him this way? If I was really good for the next year (ie. didn’t complain, as this has caused him to feel abused) would things eventually calm down or will he always find something to complain or criticize about me?
    PS. Gary, you are doing something really special by helping so many people with your work. God bless!

  13. Gary July 22, 2008 at 4:47 am

    The mind wants to jump to a simple conclusion that it is one or the other is at fault. But it is easily both parties that are responsible. It is possible, and often the case, that both parties can be critical, and both feel victimized. As we grow up just about everybody develops an inner judge, and an inner victim. The sense of victimization makes it easy to judge another person with criticism and venom. But because that temptation is easy, doesn’t mean that it is what we really want.

  14. Cody July 24, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    Gary thank you for the article. Really struggling at the moment. My partner has always been this way, telling me what what I needed to do to make her happy, I tried and tried. Finished up in an drug treatment program 2 years ago for a host of reasons, but this was one, and she has had treatment for depression and and anger, which worked for a while. 8 months ago I was accused of having an affair with a friend I do some volunteering with. I was asked to drop the work and reduce contact with the friend, and told that a husband should always check everything is ok with his wife before he does anything, and “that is loving”. I attempted to reduce my contact but wanted to keep work going and she is a friend and there was no affair. It made no difference, any subsequent contact had a huge row about not listening to her and doing what I wanted, and hurting her. There has been a number of very nasty verbally abusing rows(her on me) and I have felt terrible, and violated after, and I have been told some very hurtful and destructive things. We have talked about splitting but I am being told that I am to blame as she is willing to change(says) and I am not willing to work at it and will cause untold damage to our 2 children and am being selfish. I have not been communicative at times and have caused hurt but know that it is not all me. I am guilt ridden but cant see how I can keep going, feel I have let everyone down and have thought about suicide. Reading this now makes me think I am with a very controlling manipulative person(her father is very controlling) who is run by fears but is doing me a lot of damage and I have to get out. I just have to trust and look at ways of getting away from this. I know it is me that is letting her damage me but I find it hard when I am continually being told I am the problem and I keep looking at myself.

  15. Gary July 24, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    One of the big assumptions that perpetuates the downward spiral of emotions is that we believe we are responsible for the others emotions. Our partner says things that relate our actions to their feelings. They don’t acknowledge that there are elements of interpretation and beliefs in their mind as well.

    If you are going to free your self from guilt, then you will have to become aware of those interpretations and beliefs in your mind.

  16. Ready to leave October 30, 2008 at 3:13 am

    Wow, I really identified with this article. I’m Jill…and I am sick of it, ready to leave because I don’t want to be this person anymore but I can’t seem to react any other way while around my husband. My husband has always been very unconcerned with the resonsibility of paying bills. Seems that for the past number of years, paying all the bills and financial responsibilities have come down to me. He hasn’t held a job in a number of years and has gotten to the point where he feels that I earn enough & am better at it, so I should be the one & only. We don’t have kids, so most of the time he just reads articles or watches TV. I have become angry, controlling via my emotions and verbally toxic because I don’t know what to do & can’t believe of all the situations to take place in a marriage, this is the one I am dealing with. I have finally decided that this is the way he is, and since it is not a trait I wish to have in someone I share my life with, it is best to leave if I ever want to see some semblence of my happy self again and release him from his captivity of emotional abuse. I am so sad, because I have spent way too long in this marriage and have probably damaged him thru my verbal abuse and made his situation worse by what my words have done to his confidence, and I have become an angry, bitter nagging wife.

  17. Gary October 30, 2008 at 4:07 am

    That’s the bad news. The good news is that you can change.

    The important question, the one that you need to answer out loud, is, “What action are you going to take?”

  18. In Turmoil November 7, 2008 at 5:23 pm

    I am the controlling one in our relationship/marriage , even though it has gotten better I still sometimes feel lost. I had very strong jealousy issues and they still rise today. I was sexually abused as a young girl, when I see my husband watch a program that has a sexually explicit scene in it, or see him glance an at an attractive female , my stomach does somersaults. I/we are working on all of this together and me separately as well. He has changed SO much for me(not my request), BUT I no longer want him stepping on eggshells. Our lives together have come to a crossroads where we were to end it or “fix” it….we are working on the fixing it. I believe my husband finally gets “it”, that he can’t make me happy…I need to make ME happy. I am doing everything I know to control my anger, change my thoughts, read the books, listen to the audio, see the therapists etc, but sometimes it’s just so overwhelming…and I want “it” to all go away. thank-you gary for your amazing gifts.

  19. mommyto2boys November 10, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    My husband (married only a few weeks now, but have lived together for 2 years) is very insecure. His ex-wife cheated on him and he is convinced that I will/am doing the same. His words: if I turn off my phone at night its because I’m getting calls I don’t want him to see; if I dress nice to go to work, I’m meeting someone at lunch; if I’m 15 minutes late getting home at night from work, I was with someone; if we are walking through a store and a man looks at me, its because I wanted him to look at me. He tells me if I didn’t do these things that he wouldn’t be thinking these things. I’m to the point now where I’m scared. I’m scared of what his reaction will be all the time. I’m constanting walking on eggshells. We’ve been to counseling before regarding this and he understood at that point that he did have insecurities and issues from his first marriage, but why have they returned and will they ever go away? Question: if he truly believes all that he thinks is happening, why is he with me?

  20. kelly November 27, 2008 at 2:12 am

    i can relate to the story on so many levels. only i feel like im “jack”
    my bf shane is jill to many degrees. i feel like nothing i can do is ever good enough or that im never doing any thing right. ive told him many times that when he points out my faults or mistakes that it hurts my feeling and evern tho he says hes not doing it to be mean he does it alot and i start to think that he is infact doing it to be a jerk and some times i think he gets it but then later hell say that his dad was the same way to him. i dunno what that has to do with any thing besides him already knowing how horrible it made him feel so why do it to me? i always feel like everything that we do has to be done the way he wants it done and its sooo frastrating! hes very crital about alot things and his opinions can hurt too.

    any time we have a argument or fight no matter how big or small if i say “im sorry” and own what i did wrong its never good enough for him or if i feel like hes in the wrong he almost never appologizes because he doesnt think hes ever wrong or can do wrong. its almost like he feel better when he knows hes in the right all the time and thats more important to him and our relationship suffers because of it. i guess my biggest worry is that because we are exspecting our first child together(in jan) im affaid that he’ll be the one over my shoulder telling me and pointing out all the things that im doing wrong and thats just gonna make things so much more worse and stressful!

    were not talking right now because hes upset with me over a stupid argument we had 2 days ago. i said i was sorry but hes still mad. i dunno what eles i can do and because of him being mad even after i appologized to him he went out and stayed out till the wee hours of the morning getting drunk and not even telling me where or when he was gonna be home. i would never so that to him..its just so unfair i just wish he would grow up!

    i need help!