In the Relationship Communication and Connection Course, a key question came up while we were teaching how to hold presence to be a good listener:

What do you do if the other person is angry or critical? Should you continue engaging? What if you get triggered and feel emotionally hurt? Should you push through?

The same questions apply to arguments. Should you both stay in the conflict, venting at each other until it’s resolved?

When I was younger, I often heard the advice, “Don’t go to bed angry.” The sentiment was that good communication was the key to a successful relationship, and you had to work things out.

The problem with this approach is that it assumes arguments and anger can always be resolved that day. That, in turn, assumes:

A. One or both people have the skills to work through the issue.
B. They can shift their emotions quickly.
C. They can understand each other’s perspectives.
D. They can find a solution before exhaustion sets in.

Without these skills, someone could still be angry at 3 or 4 in the morning. And let’s be honest—no one is at their best when exhausted. Lack of sleep dysregulates emotions and leaves people drained. On top of that, the argument may still be unresolved. One person might give in because of exhaustion, which can breed resentment and lead to future conflicts.

So, while resolving things before bed sounds like a great principle, it only works if both people have the emotional intelligence to regulate their feelings and communicate effectively despite those emotions.

Research by John Gottman highlights that good communication is crucial for healthy relationships. However, broad advice like “don’t go to bed angry” or “communication is key” doesn’t define good communication in the heat of the moment.

What I learned from my mentor, Miguel Ruiz, made more sense: “If you find yourself communicating something emotionally poisonous or toxic, shut your mouth.”

Sometimes, we need to express our anger and frustration. But that doesn’t mean we should berate or criticize our partner for 50 minutes. You can likely communicate the core of your feelings in 10 minutes or less. Beyond that, it often turns into emotional abuse.

That doesn’t mean all of your anger, hurt, and pain will be resolved in those 10 minutes. You may still have emotions to process, but processing doesn’t mean unloading them at your partner with blame and criticism. It means working through them in a healthy way, such as through journaling, movement, or talking with a compassionate listener.

Empathetic listening can help emotions move through the nervous system without escalating into deeper conflict. But there’s a critical distinction: if the person holding space for you becomes the target of your criticism, blame, or anger, they will likely get triggered, and the cycle of pain will continue.

Imagine jumping into water to save someone drowning in emotions, only to have them pull you under. A drowning person cannot save another drowning person. One of you needs to be breathing good air and not struggling.

For a conversation to be healing, one person must be present, centered, and calm. They must engage in empathetic listening without reacting impulsively. Even if they don’t have the skills to help shift the emotional narrative, simply holding a compassionate space can be incredibly powerful.

If you’re both caught in reactivity, then it’s time to pause. Agree that hurting each other emotionally won’t solve anything. Continuing in that state only reinforces harmful neural pathways that make emotional drama a default response.

If you’re about to say something toxic or hurtful, close your mouth. And if the other person is spewing emotional toxicity at you and you can’t (or don’t want to) hold space for it, take a step back. Create some space between you. No one benefits when one person emotionally wounds the other.

Most arguments result in both people losing. One person learns it’s okay to hurt their partner, while the other learns to accept emotional pain as usual. Neither leads to a happy, thriving relationship.

So, is it okay to go to bed angry? If staying up means causing more harm, then yes. Take space, regulate your emotions, and get some rest. Then, return to the conversation when you both have the capacity to communicate with clarity and compassion.

For help on managing your narrative stories and emotions, work the practices in my courses.