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Self Judgment

Published by Gary May 14th, 2008 in Happiness, Core Beliefs, The Mind, Managing Expectations, Insecurity and Confidence and Emotional Reactions. 0 Comments

Self Judgment for Not Breaking the Pattern of Self Judgment

David had a relationship break up about 5 years ago. In the aftermath he felt miserable. The voices in his head were kicking in with a lot of harsh self judgments, at least harsher than usual. It wasn’t an entirely new dynamic, but the amplified self criticisms of being a loser, “nobody will want to be with me”, “another failed relationship”, and “I’ll forever be alone”. hurt so much that he couldn’t ignore them anymore. He decided to do something about it. David committed to stopping those incessant negative thoughts of self judgment that were wreaking havoc on his emotions.

After a few months of David’s best and most willful effort he concluded that he wasn’t getting anywhere. He had assumed they were just thoughts, small things, and not very powerful. How difficult could these be to change? But after months of trying and failing to stop them his mind concluded that he was less powerful than those little thoughts and voices in his head. What did that say about him if he failed to make even these simple changes? He must not be able to do much of anything. David concluded that he was a hopeless case failure. If he didn’t have what it took to beat these thoughts then he didn’t deserve to be happy and successful.

After his failed attempt for change he felt even worse than before he tried.

Of course that conclusion isn’t surprising since the part of his mind making it was the same judge and victim characters that were creating all the self judgments to begin with. But I digress.

The important part of the story is that somehow David didn’t stop. There was another part of his being, a part of his being with a desire for more love and happiness and it wouldn’t rest. That part kept searching and trying.

5 Years later…

I met David on the phone a couple months ago. We have since talked several times. In a conversation a couple weeks back he shared with me the story above and his concluding beliefs from 5 years ago. He had forgotten about them until that week.

However the agreements he made about himself weren’t forgotten. The faith he had put in those beliefs about being a hopeless failure were still there. He had invested faith in that conclusion about himself and turned it into a belief. His faith from years ago was powerful enough to keep that belief alive in his mind for years. The result of that powerful force of faith was the opinions that still echoed in his head. It was by watching those opinions of his internal dialog that he was able to spot the thread.

As he shared the story he could still feel a connection to the failure self image and the emotions it produced of unworthiness and insecurity. He didn’t know how to detach himself from this sticky failure image. Intellectually he could see it was just the conclusion at the time, but somehow the emotion and feeling didn’t shift. To him the belief was still true even though intellectually he didn’t want it to be. This is dynamic is more understandable when you become aware that faith and beliefs aren’t made and changed by the intellect.

Understanding Expectations of Self Judgment

You can’t change the beliefs if you can’t change the assumptions they are built upon. And you can’t change the assumptions they are build upon if you can’t see them. When it comes to self judgment some of the most common hidden assumptions are expectations. David saw in his flash back the concluding self judgment he believed about himself, but he didn’t yet see the assumptions and interpretations that preceded it. Without changing these preceding elements the beliefs remain stuck. We don’t usually see the assumptions but our faith goes into them and the implied agreements as well as the concluding statement we do see.

I explored this with Dave and it resulted in some surprising discoveries of hidden assumptions. I asked Dave how he went about attempting to change his self judgments. He described basically willing his mind to stop the chatter and miserable emotions. I asked him how effective this approach was. Dave explained that it wasn’t effective at all. I asked him what he did then. Dave said that he tried harder at willing his thoughts and emotions to change. And how did that work I asked. “Not any better”, Dave replied.
I asked Dave if he tried any other approaches. Dave said, “No, that’s all I could come up with.”

“So let me get this straight,” I inquired, “You attempted to will your internal dialog and emotions to change. When that didn’t work, you tried even harder to do the very thing that didn’t work?” “Yes,” Dave answered. “And when that technique didn’t work for the umpteenth time you concluded that you failed?” “Yes,” Dave answered.

I had a few more questions in this discovery process.

Did you research and find books that had effective strategies for eliminating self judgments? “No.” *
Did you consult with a therapist who had a track record of helping people get rid of their self judgments? “No.”
Did you consult with any professionals who had a track record of helping people get rid of their self judgments? “No.”
Do you even know anyone that has gotten rid of their self judgments that you could talk to about how to do this? “No.”
Do you know anyone that is without self judgments that you could us as a model for behavior and attitude as an example? “No.”
Then I had to ask Dave how long he thought it should take him to stop the self judgment pattern. More specifically, what the critical voice of the inner judge thought it should take to rid the self judgment pattern. Dave said two months.
And just how long has this pattern of self judgment been going on? “Since I was probably about 5 years old I suppose,” said Dave.

“So let me get this straight. You had decided to stop this internal pattern of self judgment that has been going on for about 30 years. You are going to do this with no resources. You have no specific insights or knowledge of how to change the beliefs in your mind, but you are going to figure this out, and be successful at it. You don’t have any input from people who have done this effectively, or have taught others to do this effectively. You don’t know anyone who has done it to model your self after for an effective strategy. So without any of effective plans, strategy, tools, training, or resources you are expecting to succeed in two months?”

Dave was quiet as he considered my question.

Managing Expectations

With the help of some thin slicing Dave could see many of the assumed beliefs that he had unknowingly invested his faith in. The inner judge’s expectation of two months for success seemed rather ridiculous when you stood it up against the complete lack of resources, training, guidance, and support for the task at hand.

As the expectation became clear Dave’s faith started to naturally fall out of the silly expectations without much effort at all. And as his faith in the elements of the expectation drained, so did the believability of the self judgment. Dave’s agreement about being a hopeless failure dissolved as he focused his awareness on the details of his false beliefs. There wasn’t any loud strike of lightening moment. Only a quiet profound realization of “Oh,,, wow. I had no idea.” And that’s one of the ways you change a core belief through awareness.

Dave works in the construction industry so the use of the following story was used to help him put the old story of self judgment in a new context.

I said, “If I don’t give you any tools, and I tell you to build a house in two months, what chances for success do you have? “None,” Dave said. Do you know anybody that can build a house in two months without any tools? “No. No one can do that. Even a skilled builder with training can’t do it without tools.” Dave replied.

I continued, “Now, if no one you know can make a house in two months without tools, does that mean they are all failures?” “No, they are not failures. They just wouldn’t have the resources they need. They are very capable and successful people it’s just that they would be set up for failing no matter how good they are,” Dave replied.

“The same is with you Dave. The same is with you. You took on the task of dismantling the self judgments and core beliefs in your mind without any plans, tools, training, or resources that you would need. That doesn’t make you a failure. That just means you underestimated the task, and didn’t know how to prepare for it. Not knowing what you were getting into with changing your beliefs and emotions you mismanaged the expectations on the project. You can’t take this one experience and conclude what it means about you.”

And with a clearer understanding that didn’t come from his existing belief system, the inner judge, or victim point of view, Dave’s old belief dissolved and the emotion along with it.

Hidden Elements of Judgment and Beliefs

Your mind will attempt to make conclusions about what kind of person you are. It will cast down self judgments and criticisms. Or sometimes it will raise your self importance in order to set you up for a big fall later. If you aren’t aware of the elements like implied agreements, hidden assumptions, and expectations, then your beliefs will take your emotional body for a ride that you don’t control. And usually it is not a fun one at that.

If you want to take action to change your core beliefs and interpretations that drive self judgments and your emotions, you will find a set of plans, tools, and a step by step training approach in the Self Mastery audio course. The Advanced Series focuses several sessions specifically on breaking the patterns of self judgment. If you prefer a more focused approach you can supplement the audio sessions with personal coaching.

And for those that want a jump start boost on the process, you are invited to join me on the Spiritual Intensive to Mexico.

You can’t change the beliefs and assumptions you are not aware of. If you can’t change your beliefs and assumptions, you can’t change your interpretations that drive your emotions. That makes awareness the key to mastering your emotions.

Related Material

mp3 audio on Self Judgment

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Secrets To Happiness

Published by Gary April 29th, 2008 in Happiness, Emotions, Self Awareness and Impeccability. 1 Comment

Happiness is the emotional experience created by you expressing the emotion of love. In every moment of joy and peace in your life you were creating love and expressing it. Feeling different qualities of happiness at different times is because there are millions of variations of love that you can express.

Have you taken time to contemplate where your emotions come from? Actually they don’t come from anywhere. You create them. When you create sadness you then feel the sadness you create. When feel anger it is because you created that emotion.
Misunderstanding Your Emotions

We are not used to thinking of our emotions as something we create. Common syntax of language produces the misinterpretation that emotions come from something or someone external. How many times have we heard or said words to the effect, “He/She makes me so angry/frustrated/sad.” Or perhaps the same reference to the opposite emotions. “He/She makes me so happy.” This phrasing is so common in language that we overlook the disempowering paradigm it creates.

Thoughts like these imply to your mind that an external circumstance like traffic or another person is determining your emotional state. Your belief in words with these assumptions can have a hypnotizing effect. Their impact builds through time and repetition until it really appears that it is about someone or something external. When mental patterns like this occur other hypnotic beliefs are forming as well. You are also creating a false self image as a person powerless over your emotions.

By believing a few symbolic words and their underlying assumptions, it can feel like love, joy and happiness are beyond your reach.

Aside from creating a victimizing paradigm of beliefs it also induces an interesting compensating strategy. If your happiness is experienced as a result of external people or events then you will attempt to control people and events in order to be happy. The reverse happens when you interact with people who live by this emotionally powerless paradigm. They will attempt to control you in order to satisfy their external need for happiness. Living by these beliefs generally puts emotional strain and drama on a relationship.

From Interpretation to Expression

People will say that their spouse or partner makes them happy. This is a misinterpretation. It’s really their expression of love for their wife, husband, or lover that is creating their state of joy. When they no longer love that person, nothing that person does will “make” them happy. At that point they might say that their ex is “making” them angry or upset. Also not true. They are making themselves angry or upset with the story they believe and express about their ex.

Years later they might have forgiven their ex about the issues of the past. They look upon that relationship as a growth experience and perceive it with gratitude and fondness. Their ex may not have changed much over time but the emotional expression towards them has. How we feel emotionally about someone is our creation. How we feel changes depending on how we express our story about them.

The secret element determining your emotions is in the interpretation of the story you believe and express. The facts might be the same but how you interpret them changes your emotional experience.

Some people say that time heals all wounds. This isn’t true. People can take anger and resentment to their grave. What heals emotional wounds is changing your belief in the interpretation of the story you have about someone. When you adopt a different interpretation, you change the expression of emotions. The challenge here is that you really have to change what you believe. Saying it is not enough.

One way of changing your story about the past is forgiveness. Forgiveness changes your interpretations and frees you from continued expressions of judgment and anger. You have the power to change your interpretation and emotions quickly, slowly or not at all.

The Secret World of Interpretations

If two people experience the same event they can have completely different emotional experiences. The difference is in the interpretation the mind makes. If two people are caught in the rain one might laugh at himself for forgetting his umbrella. The other might judge himself and feel like an idiot. The difference between being happy or unhappy is not controlled by circumstances like the weather, but by belief in the interpretation.

The mind is fast. It makes an interpretation in the instant between perception and emotional reaction. In that hidden moment the mind constructs a virtual reality of assumptions and calculates opinions, judgments, and reactions.

When you realize you forgot something the mind retraces where the item is, imagines how things should have happened, imagines what you should have done, makes a comparison between what you did and what you should have done, judges you based on the comparison, creates a negative self image, and then condemns you for being that false image it manufactured in it’s secret reality. Without awareness the only part you notice is the concluding comment, “I’m such an idiot,” and the corresponding emotions.

If you have awareness and pay attention you can intervene in that secret world of interpretation. Changing the interpretations your mind makes in that virtual reality will change the resulting emotional expressions. Until you unlock and change those interpretations, part of your happiness will remain a secret from you.

Most people have had their mind conditioned to interpret that happiness will result from doing things they are supposed to do or come from achieving certain goals. In this way the mind perceives love and happiness as something to be pursued and attained. That’s a very limited interpretation that fails to recognize the power you have to create emotions such as love and gratitude.

The pathway to your expression of love is the interpretations, beliefs, and perspective in the mind. It is those interpretations in the mind that control whether you will allow your self to express love, or if you will express emotions based in fear.

When you change the interpretations in that secret world of the mind, you unlock the doors that hold back your happiness. You are then free to let your love come out of you.

For practical steps you can take to take control of this secret world of assumptions and beliefs in the mind, and gain mastery over your happiness, download and listen to the mp3 audio in the Self Mastery program. The first sessions are free.

This article is posted at http://pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2008/04/29/secret-happiness/

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Where Do You Focus Your Attention?

Published by Gary April 18th, 2008 in Happiness, Core Beliefs and Self Mastery. 0 Comments

There’s a lot of talk about the importance of focusing on the positive. There is certainly value in focusing your attention on the positive. However, like anything, too much of a good thing, can work against you. There are times when it is valuable to focus your attention on the negative.
The idea being pedaled is to stay positive about your goals, and don’t let the negative distract you. I’m familiar with the examples used to illustrate the point, but it doesn’t make the point true all the time in every instance.

Do you have absolute control over your attention?

First of all the axiom assumes that all people have complete control over their attention. This just isn’t the case. Most people haven’t been introduced to the idea of controlling their attention. They haven’t practiced it, and they aren’t skilled at it, particularly when it comes to dealing with their emotional situations.

Very often people will focus on a positive aspect of a bad situation and then four, or fourteen minutes later their mind has wandered back to the old negative story.

When you attempt to follow the axiom “Stay focused on the positive” you are set up for failure. Not because you are a failure, or undisciplined, but because you have not practiced and developed the skill of controlling your attention. This is particularly challenging when in the midst of unpleasant emotions.

Focusing your attention without distraction for as long as a day is roughly equivalent to running a marathon. You need skilled and effective training before you could expect to do either. (In the Self Mastery Audio Program there are exercises and practices to gain and control your attention.)

Without the development of this skill you are set up for failure. If you expected to succeed, in spite of no instruction, training or practice, you are probably in for a dose of self judgment from the voice in their head. If this is you, then stop it. Quit trying harder to do something that doesn’t work.

But let’s put aside the issue of controlling your attention. Let’s take another look at this philosophy of focusing on the positive all the time and see where it falls apart.
Not Every Situation is the Same

The philosophy assumes that the persistence that worked for one person will work for everyone all the time. It assumes that you should apply this approach to every situation. There’s a part of the mind that loves this simplicity and likes to believe it is somehow true. This is also the same part of the mind that is prone to believe in illusions.

Different situations call for different strategies. Just because a persistent positive approach worked in one case, doesn’t mean it will always work. There is such thing as irrational exuberance. Look at the cycles in the real estate or stock markets. There’s a wrong time to assume the positive about the markets, a relationship, or be overconfidence in your abilities.

When Positive Focus Strategies are too General

Suppose I’m out sailing in a boat and I discover there is a leak. I’m taking on water. I don’t think I should be focused on the beauty of the day, the sun on the water, or the wind in my hair. Sure that would be “more positive” and fit with a live in the moment philosophy, but it goes against my survival instinct. I’m going to put my attention below decks on the water problem. Focusing on the negative is the best use of my time.
If a young child is having difficulty with math, should they just give up on learning long division? Perhaps they can do some problems well, but they keep making mistakes with others? Should they leave the difficult ones alone and focus on the positive of what they do well? Maybe they should just focus on the subjects they feel more positive about like English and History. I’m going to assume that people espousing the philosophy don’t mean it in this way, but they leave it open for misinterpretation when they are not specific.

When you distill life strategies down to one sentence you lose and distort meaningful elements like context, application, and exceptions.

There’s a time and place to Focus on the Negative

A student struggling with math could potentially gain more by focusing on what they are struggling with. For the greatest benefit they might want to focus on the specific causes of those problems. What faulty reasoning are they applying that is creating the mistakes? What mental images and abstractions does their mind construct that distorts their understanding? How much sugar did they have during the day affecting their ability to concentrate? If they put their attention on the specific part of the process that is getting them to produce bad results they can change it.

The problem isn’t the wrong answer. Getting the wrong answer is a symptom of something distorted in their reasoning. Focusing on the faulty logic producing those mistakes is where they can gain the most value.

Focusing on the positive like History, English, or the problems they can do easily won’t serve them as well. It fits the “Focus on the Positive” mantra but is a disservice when poorly applied. If a teaching isn’t presented with a proper context, it can be misapplied and cause more problems than help. This is often the case with spiritual or self help teachings.

(In this math example I’m assuming younger children and basic skills. As you get older you are going to have to select an area of expertise and focus your attention there.)

Self Reflection on the Negative

If I’m not achieving my goals I want to know what I’m tripping over. I want to know the faulty logic that drives sabotaging behaviors and produces negative results. I want to put my attention on the negative so I can figure out what is in my unconscious decision making process and make changes to it. I can’t change something that I’m not aware of. If I attempt to always focus on the positive I’ll never be able to make these important changes.

There is real value in focusing on the negative, or what is sometimes called the darker side of our self. However that is still too vague. When you focus on the negative, you have to be precise in what you are looking at or you can waste a lot of time and get no where.
In the sinking boat story, it is the water that will sink the boat. However it doesn’t do much good to focus on the water. The water is a symptom of the real problem. Focus your attention on finding the leak that is letting all the water into the boat.

You can bail the water and that can help for a while depending on the circumstances Bailing is a good temporary compensating strategy that can buy you some time, but eventually you will have to rest, and who will bail then?

A compensating strategy is a short term, hold things over, and make your self feel better, without really addressing the core issue approach to the problem. The real solution is in finding and fixing the leak. This is the specific part of the negative that should get your attention and bring you the most benefit.

Jealousy and Anger – Example emotional reaction

The emotional reaction of jealousy is something that can sink a relationship. Jealousy can produce anger and other controlling behaviors. Attempting to change the anger and controlling behavior is like focusing on the water in the boat. It’s just the symptom of an underlying problem. Underneath that layer of anger and jealousy is likely a feeling of insecurity. Putting your attention on that issue brings you closer to the leaking emotions.

If you spend time exploring and understanding the issue of insecurity you will find that one of the elements is rejection due to self judgment. If you thin slice self judgment you find specific beliefs that cause the self judgment. (I explain these in detail in the Self Judgment audio) The structure of core beliefs that generate self judgment is the hole in the boat.

You can’t address jealousy until you address the underlying insecurity. But you can’t address insecurity until you address the contributing self rejection from self judgment. Restructure those core beliefs and you no longer have the overflowing emotions of jealousy and anger to bail out.

It’s not enough to focus on the negative.

It’s not enough to focus on the negative. If you want to make changes in your emotional reactions you will need to focus on the cause within the negative. You have to bring your attention to those causes with clarity and precision. The exercises in the Self Mastery program guide you through developing these skills.

I’m not advising that you focus on the negative all the time. That’s too general and to be helpful we need to be more specific than that or we get into trouble. I’m suggesting that you focus on the beliefs and assumptions creating the negative emotions. I’m also suggesting that when you do this you do it with the skills necessary to change those beliefs. It is best to be specific about these things.

Some people will look at the process of identifying and changing core beliefs and interpret that it is a lot of work. At least that is the assumption their mind will make as a reaction. When they make this observation I don’t think they considered how much work the alternative is; Working the rest of their life to compensate for the emotional reactions sinking their happiness.

Emotional Issues

There’s a lot of pop advice for emotional issues like insecurity, jealousy, and anger. Focus on the positive is just one example. That approach is just too simple, and general to be effective. Like most one liners, it doesn’t address any of the causes to those emotional issues. It doesn’t address or change the underlying assumptions, and interpretations that the mind is habitually making.

The approach to “Focus on the Positive” is often used as a compensating strategy. It gives the appearance of making things better. You feel better when you focus on positive things, but only temporarily. The beliefs at the root of the problem are still there and keep creating problems. Kind of like that hole in the boat, or that faulty math logic that keeps producing the wrong answer.

Dwell on the Negative

There are those that say, “Don’t dwell on the negative.” They say it without regard for the finer points. They say it in a way that tempts people to ignore the causes of their problems, and thereby repeat them. That kind of general advice without a proper context can be dangerous. You run the risk of applying the axiom to every situation without checking to see if the circumstances are applicable or measuring how effective the strategy is.

The persistence of thinking you should “Focus on the positive” will hypnotize you into ignoring the real causes that created the negative situation to begin with. Ignore those causes and your emotional drama patterns in your history will likely repeat. Pay attention to what caused the negative reactions and you open up a gold mine of discovery for self awareness and personal growth.

Practical exercises in gaining control over your attention as well as identifying and changing core beliefs can be found in the Self Mastery Audio Program. The first few sessions are free.

This article is posted at http://pathwaytohappiness.com

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What Should I do After Graduation?

Published by Gary April 16th, 2008 in Happiness, Self Awareness, Ask Gary, Fear and creativity. 0 Comments

Ask Gary

I would really appreciate your help with a question. I’m graduating from high school this year and trying to figure out what I should do.

When reading about your background, I noticed that you have a degree in Mechanical Engineering. I have been accepted to a University for that very program. I’m going into engineering because of the many doors it opens and for the money but I don’t feel optimistic about it. I think I would prefer to do a skilled trade. I’m afraid I will get stuck doing a monotonous job if I don’t go to University however.

You said that you had a miserable career because you went into engineering? I would value your opinion on this: Should I get a degree in engineering? How does it affect your life in terms of relationships, etc.? I’m really worried - I don’t want to lead myself down a path of misery.

Thank you, Alex

Dear Alex with a Future,

I didn’t have a miserable career experience because I studied engineering. I’m not sure how that got interpreted. Engineering is an education that has served me very well in many ways. It was a conglomeration of things that created my misery at that time in my life. The biggest factor was that I was unaware of the world of emotions and beliefs that I was living in my mind.

The second biggest factor was working 80-100 hours a week at something that I wasn’t enjoying any more. I enjoyed it for a number of years, loved the challenges, and the action. (Ran nuclear power plants and drove an aircraft carrier) But not having balance or time to do things that I enjoyed eventually left me drained and unfulfilled. (I should note that I didn’t have time to discover what things I enjoyed.)

At the time I didn’t understand the importance of putting my happiness as a priority. I had just assumed that if I was successful, and in the “right” relationship, then I would be happy as a consequence. This was a set up for a big disillusionment.

“Should I get a degree in engineering?”

Expecting someone to answer this question is disrespectful to your self. You are the only one that is responsible for the decisions you make. Other people are not. You will live with the consequences of your choices. No one else will. Make the decision for your self and not because someone else says it is a good idea or not.

At the same time be aware of your inexperience at making such choices and take the time to consider what other experienced people have to say. They will have awareness and insights that you have not yet accumulated. This can be of great benefit. Always remember, in the end, it is your decision.

Planning for an Unknown Future

In working through a decision that involves such a long time frame, recognize that you can’t know the future. Therefore you can’t know if it is the “right” decision before you take action. Some roads you have to go down, explore and see if they work for you.

For this reason it is most important to give your self the freedom to change your direction later. Your comment, “I don’t want to lead myself down the path of misery,” sounds like it has assumptions based in fear of being trapped. That fear alone will paralyze you from taking any action. It also sounds as if you are not allowed to change your choice once you commit to it. This kind of mindset and inflexibility in your choices is what creates the feeling of being trapped.

What is an Education For?

My technical education has served me well and still does. I’m comfortable learning programming on my own website because of programming classes in college. One of the ways I see the structure of people’s belief systems is much like a mechanical engineering system. I see how different parts of the mind interact and trigger one another as if it were diagrammed in a schematic. In school I learned how to think in terms of inter-related systems. That skill helps me to understand things like emotional dynamics in relationships. It turns out that I learned a lot of skills in my engineering classes that could be used elsewhere.

Getting an education doesn’t mean you are limited to working in that field. One of my favorite jobs was in sales. I got to visit different customers and help them solve their problems. It was like learning a new puzzle and solving it every other day. The job was a sales job, but it was made easy because of my technical competence and experience in engineering. It was at that time I discovered the challenge of working with people and my interest piqued in that area. That is something that I couldn’t have known before and only found through discovery and exploration from technical sales.

If you think of an education or degree as something that locks you into a career for the rest of your life, then you will feel trapped, and sabotage the opportunity.

But what happens if you see education as preparation for a journey into unknown worlds ahead? Twenty years ago there wasn’t an internet, and only a few people worked in computers. You don’t know what new fields of business and science will emerge in the next 20 or 40 years. No one does. The most prepared for success may very well be the most flexible and creative minds. How will you prepare your mind in this adventure of life?

How can you best prepare your self to adapt to a changing world? This is what an education is for. (Many educators don’t take this approach.) The goal of an education is not to limit you into one small area defined by a degree. One of the goals of an education is to make you more prepared and more adaptable to any area of life.

Consider these two scenarios in terms of flexibility, opportunity, and choices. If you get a college degree, how easily can you transition into a trade. If you go into a trade, how easy is it to transition into management, or engineering later?

You have choices

You can’t know if something isn’t good for you until you check it out. At 18 I chose mechanical engineering as a major even though I wasn’t even sure what mechanical engineers did. I just wanted to know how things worked. I couldn’t have understood what I was getting into until I got into it.

It is only once you have experience that you can make an informed choice. The irony is that you can’t get that experience until you make uninformed choices. That informed choice may very well be to get out and find a different path. But at least at that point it is an informed choice. That’s what happened for me in the military, and in a couple other pursuits. I got excited and got going on something and when I learned more about it, I decided it wasn’t for me. With each new experience I was able to make better choices. You can’t predict the future. You can’t know what will be most fulfilling for you in your life and what won’t. That’s one of the exciting parts of discovery in this adventure. See the Dan Gilbert video about people’s expectations on happiness for more on this point.

What should I do after I Graduate?

Some people approach questions like this as if they can know the “right” answer before they explore the experience. This comes from too much pattered book learning. Too many times our mind has been patterned with the scenario that there is only one right answer, and it has already been defined before we make a choice. It drives the feeling to check the answer guide in the back or confirm our feelings with an expert to ensure we make the “right” choice. This isn’t my experience when it comes to making choices about the future. And when I think about it, choices that affect the future are the only kind there are.

Trial and Error - Discovery and Exploration

So much of the journey in life is trial and error. But that approach only looks acceptable if you remember that you have the right to change your choice. Your awareness that you have a choice, and that you can change it, will give you a sense of freedom, and power. Not to be aware of these opportunities will leave you feeling trapped, powerless, and helpless in any choice you make.

If you don’t like the term “trial and error” because the voice in your head generates too much fear of failure, then you can think of it as discovery and exploration.

Increase your Awareness by being Grateful

Be grateful for the opportunities that you have. Be really grateful. I pretty much enjoyed my service in the military with the exception of the last few months. In the end it wasn’t really bad, I was just tired. I was ready for change and I wanted a different path. The problem was that in the military I just couldn’t give them 2 weeks notice and leave. I had a several months left, and considering the consequences, no real choice about it. That was a situation of not really having choices and being somewhat trapped.

About half the world population lives on less than 2 dollars a day. They have a lot fewer choices. Many days they don’t have a choice of what to eat, or if they will eat.

If you practice being grateful for the choices you have you will be more aware of your power to make choices. That awareness will give you a sense of freedom, and allow you to see opportunities that others don’t. The less grateful you are, the less awareness you will have of your choices. With less awareness of your choices you are more likely to feel trapped and powerless. Practicing gratitude and appreciation for the choices you have will help you stay in touch with that source of power.

As a reference to making better decisions I suggest reading Source’s of Power by Gary Klein. He has awareness and insight into how the mind really makes decisions. In Klein’s book The Power of Intuition he provides several practical techniques for improving your decision making process. It’s not going to be much help in the “What should I do after Graduation” type question, but you will be making many more decisions in your life. You might as well be aware of how your mind does that so you can improve the process.

Gary

For a practical guided meditation in Gratitude listen to the first free session of the Self Mastery Program.

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Consciousness

Published by Gary April 7th, 2008 in Happiness, The Mind and Self Awareness. 0 Comments

Consciousness

There’s a lot we could say about what this brain researcher realized about the mind during her stroke, and her recovery. One point is that we have many different modalities with which to perceive the world. Whether we define our self by the limit of our bodies, or as a field of consciousness, changes how and what we perceive. Jill Bolte Taylor experienced a stroke. As a brain researcher she got to experience more than just the brain, but also the mind, consciousness, perception, and emotions.