http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/happiness-project/

However it is not so important to put new programming in place until you remove some of the existing problem programming.  Attempting to put a new program in place without deleting the old problem programs is like putting good software on a computer that has an existing virus.   It’s just not going to help very much.

For someone that has cleaned up their emotional wounds (false beliefs) they are not going to take what another person says or does personally. They don’t have emotional reactions to others. When you don’t have wounds it is easy to be around others that are disrespectful. It’s actually kind of funny to watch them.

Of course they are disrespectful and even rude, that is simply an assessment. I don’t judge them and I don’t feel victimized by them. Because I don’t have an emotional reaction to them doesn’t mean that they aren’t disrespectful. It just means that I don’t care.

Of course, depending on the degree, and everything else in the relationship, I might put a boundary there or not.

I suggest listening to the free audio podcast on How to not take things personally.

This whole topic of boundaries and emotional wounds is part of a Relationship Series Program I am considering creating. It’s a bit more involved than a podcast, but I might mention it. You ask good questions. Perhaps we can do it as a podcast with you interviewing me about this. It could be recorded on Skype.

And that’s where I’d love to see a podcast go. I know each scenario is different but I’d like to hear you discuss this.

For instance, one could say in your above response that the other person is not disrespecting you, it’s you allowing yourself to feel disrespect. In an abusive relationship that would sound asinine and yet there’s a grey area there. Simply put where do you draw the line between your personal responsibility to own your emotions and where do you say this person does not have impeccability with their word and it’s best I move on.

And yes, the hardest part about learning these new ways of thinking is the daunting task of finding partners who embrace the same philosophy. It’s very foreign to most in this age and culture.

Thanks Gary!

In them we see the behavior modeled. But we would have to translate it to personal relationships. It is rare I know, but I have witnessed it lived, and am practicing it.

When it comes to personal/romantic relationships, even at an emotionally advanced level, you will create boundaries. If someone is ridiculing and taunts me then that relationship will not be fun for me or for her. In that case I say good bye. I love and respect myself too much to allow others to treat me with disrespect and unkindness.

In all of this there is still a fine line in the area of responsibility of emotions when it comes to others. You are always responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for another’s emotions, but you have a responsibility TO them. The layers of this subtlety are a bit more involved than I could be put in the comments space. The would need something more like one of my podcasts.

I did struggle though with feeling as if my partner were doing these disrespectful things out of either a: a callous disregard for my feelings or b: an attempt to knock me down a notch so as to assume a position of power in the relationship. Big assumptions on my part, I understand, but she had also given me a lot of information about her past that would make these assumptions a pretty easy determination.

But Gary, I do have to wonder something. I understand no one can make us feel anything and we should all accept our emotional reactions as our own. But how do we resolve this in relationships? It seems like there is an emotional contract of sorts that sets a relationship apart, an unspoken agreement that we are a little more responsible for our partner’s feelings in a way. I guess I have a hard time imagining a relationship where one taunts, ridicules and humiliates their partner but the one receiving such abuse says Oh, I don’t take it personally, she’s not doing anything to me, she’s just expressing her own illusions. That would almost seem like denial to me rather than a healthy sense of emotional boundaries.

I use an extreme example to try and get my point across. If for instance I was in a relationship and I said to my partner you look really ugly, well yes I would feel somewhat responsible if she began to cry.

How do we resolve something like this once the issues are more of a grey area?

All of us deep down already knows the answers to our questions. It’s accepting the harsh truths of our answers that makes us seek solace and comfort from others advice.

Thanks for the inspiration. Bookmarking this article now.

Cheers,
Tina