What are some dynamics of an emotionally controlling relationship?
I want to look beyond some of the of verbal criticism, put downs, and judgments that are the obvious elements of emotionally abusive and controlling relationships.
I want to take some space here to outline how some of the power and illusions of power aspects affect an emotionally controlling relationship. For this I’ll use the characters of Jack and Jill to illustrate a story.
Jack and Jill are a couple. Jack gets caught up in a crisis at work and doesn’t call Jill when he said he would. Jill feels left out, rejected, and gets mad at Jack for leaving her alone. She doesn’t like being alone and holds Jack responsible for her unhappy situation. Her internal or external dialogue might be something like, “He really makes me mad when he does that.”
What is critical to note here is that the emotion of anger and unhappiness is Jill’s. The second thing to notice is that she holds Jack to be the cause responsible for her emotions.
In another scenario Jack and Jill go to a party and for some reason Jill feels embarrassed by Jack’s behavior. She is concerned that people will think poorly of Jack, and that it reflects poorly on her.
The emotion Jill feels is embarrassment and the person she holds as the cause is Jack.
So in these two cases we have identified the emotions and Jill’s belief about who is responsible. It is Jill’s belief that she is angry or embarrassed because of what Jack did or didn’t do. In Jill’s belief paradigm if Jack had done something different Jill would be happier. Jill’s internal or external dialogue might include something like, “If you hadn’t done that I wouldn’t be so upset”.
In Jill’s mind she feels abused and it appears that Jack is mistreating her emotionally. This kind of mindset sets Jill up to do a 180 and be the controlling and abusive person in the relationship. She judges, blames, and condemns Jack. Her anger at Jack is completely justified from this victim point of view.
On the flip side Jack might very well fall into the same paradigm. If it is Jack’s belief that he is the cause of someone else’s emotional reaction then he sets himself up to be controlled in the relationship. This may sound backwards. How could Jack be the one being controlled if he is the one powerful enough to cause another’s emotional reactions? The answer is guilt.
Going back to Jack and Jill’s controlling relationship: Jill is angry at Jack for not calling or doing something she perceives as embarrassing. If Jack believes he is really the cause of Jill’s pain, then, he will likely feel guilty for hurting Jill. Jack will not want Jill to have another painful emotional reaction and he won’t want to feel the guilt of causing her pain so he will look for a solution. Jack will begin to modify his behavior to avoid Jill’s emotional reactions. No doubt Jill will have input into what Jack should and shouldn’t be doing to keep her happy.
Jill will tell him to call when he says he is going to call. Jill will tell him not to do those embarrassing things. Jill will suggest, ask, or even demand that Jack change his behavior in order for her to avoid her own painful emotional wounds.
On the surface it looks like Jack has all the power over Jill’s emotions. That is why Jack feels responsible and will try hard to do things right. Of course “right” is according to Jill’s expectations and requirements. Jill plays the powerless victim that doesn’t have control over her emotions, and by doing so she can guilt Jack into modifying his behavior.
Jill might also act with anger towards Jack when she is upset. The anger might also include criticism, judgments, and put downs for his actions, behaviors or looks. If Jill is disappointed with Jack in some way, Jack may feel he should act or perform differently so Jill isn’t disappointed. Again the illusion Jack lives under is that he is determining Jill’s emotions. Every emotional reaction that Jill has sends Jack into deeper guilt, self blame, self rejection, unworthiness and insecurity.
Jill uses the emotions of gratitude, acceptance, and love to reward Jack when he does something she likes, and to become upset or depressed and sad when he does something he doesn’t’ like. Her emotions are either a pleasant reward or an unpleasant punishment to Jacks emotional body and self esteem. In this way Jill uses the power of her emotional reactions to encourage or discourage Jack’s behaviors.
At one level it looks like Jill is in reaction to Jack’s action. But if you look at Jack’s reaction to Jill’s emotion, you see her emotions as a means of control that Jack reacts to.
Illusions of Power and Control
Jack believes he is the one responsible for both of their emotions so he feels somewhat powerful in this regard. This illusion of power can be somewhat seductive. But this isn’t true. It is just the illusion of power. Jack isn’t responsible for Jill’s emotions and he can’t control her reactions. Jill can’t even control her own emotions. She is just reacting to the interpretations and core beliefs in her own mind.
Because Jack is under the illusion that he is the powerful one in this relationship he doesn’t notice that his behavior is being controlled and dictated by Jill. He doesn’t see how he is modifying his behavior to every emotional reaction Jill has, or emotion he predicts she will have.
But no matter what Jack does, he can’t seem to get it right because Jill still has emotional reactions to the interpretations and core beliefs in her mind. Nobody has control over these interpretations and so nobody has control over Jill’s emotions, not even Jill. Jack ends up walking around on egg shells becoming hyper vigilant with fear of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, or not doing the right thing and setting off her emotional reactions of anger, disappointment, judgment, and criticisms.
Feeling Like It Is Your Fault
Jack becomes afraid of her anger and afraid of his self inflicted feelings of guilt and failure if he doesn’t behave just right. Jill persuades, and Jack agrees with the lie, that things would be just fine if he didn’t do the things that upset her. He believes that the problems in the relationship are his fault. They believe the same lie so it has the appearance of fact. Jack doesn’t see the big picture of Jill’s behavior because Jill has conditioned him to focus completely on his own behavior.
Beliefs Behind Staying in a Controlling Relationship
One of the reasons, (and there are quite a few) that it is difficult for an emotionally abused person to leave an abuser is that the illusion and feeling of power is very seductive. As Jack believes more and more that he is responsible for Jill’s emotions, he is under the illusion of being powerful in the relationship. He might feel like a failure and frustrated that nothing he does works, but at the same time is trying to fix everything about both of them. He is the one trying to fix things because he believes he is responsible for both of their problems. This kind of heroic effort feeds the false hope for a positive outcome and a positive self image as a reward.
At the same time, with the entire burden on himself, if the relationship fails he will interpret it that he failed. This is a self judgment of failure that may be too painful to consider. This logic of trying to avoid painful failure is part of what keeps him trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship looking for a solution.
If he considers what others will think of him his feeling of failure is amplified.
When you have the illusion of power over another emotions and responsibility over success and failure of the relationship it is easy to get trapped in the idea that you are the one that is failing when things don’t work out. You don’t see that your partner is not holding up their half of the relationship.
Some of these illusions fall apart when you wake up to the fact that you don’t control or determine another person’s emotional state. You are not responsible for their half of the behavior. You are not responsible for their emotional reactions of fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, and disappointment. You are not responsible for their emotions even if they say and believe you are. You are only responsible for your half.
No one can make you feel a certain emotion at any given moment. In just the same way, you can’t control the emotions another person feels. Taking responsibility for your emotions, and more importantly, not taking responsibility for anybody else’s is a be step in ending unhappy relationship dynamics.
These are just some of the dynamics of an emotionally controlling relationship and perhaps some insights on how the illusions and false beliefs in our mind keep us trapped. The key to changing these dynamics is awareness. First gain awareness of the emotions, and then awareness of where responsibility is being placed. These are a good place to start to break the cycle of unhappiness in relationship.
Whether you are the abuser or the emotionally abused that wants to break the cycle, begin by taking responsibility for your emotions, and don’t take responsibility for anybody else’s emotions.
For specific practical steps on how to do this, sign into my audio sessions in self mastery course and practice the exercises provided.
This is so me - I NEVER, EVER knew that this was the problem in my marriage - I knew I was insecure and it took a 17 year marriage to dissolve to realize that I could have and can change my whole way of thinking and feeling.
I can only hope it’s not too late to find the happiness I deprived my spouse of for years…….I will keep this updated.
I don’t think it’s too late for anybody. It’s only a matter of having a strong enough desire that you take some helpful actions.
This is so me too! Except the other way around… I am Jack. I feel so lost.. I don’t know what to do. It seems as though the only answer is going to be to leave, give up. Not what I want. But maybe it’s the only answer… I been trying to make changes but get no co-operation from the other side. No willingness to look at the problem or even acknowledge that maybe there is a problem. That maybe she needs to make some changes. I feel completely alone. And the crazy thing is that I keep feeling that I need to win her back.. change myself.. my strategy. Trick her into loving me and then everything will be better. As much as I know that this isn’t working I’m terrified that I will be miserable without it. That the loss of this horrible relationship will be the end of all happiness. That I will never find another. It’s pathetic. Or I am. Arggggghh. I just want out of feeling this way. I want to be happy again. Feel happy again. I want her to be happy too, it would be great if we could be happy together but maybe that isn’t to be. I want off this ride!
It’s not a lost cause it just feels lost. There’s just a few thought processes in the mind that keep you from seeing the way out and taking the steps to make the change. Hoping for her to change or things to return to their happy days is one of them. Read the post on Being Optimistic. When you face the brutal facts you might be more willing to take action.
Second thing you will have to do is adjust your time line. You are focused on what you want today or right now. Begin asking what you want the next 5 and 10 years to be like? It’s easy to tolerate the pain of today. It’s just one day. When you project that pain over the next 5-10 years your motivation to take action shifts.
Then there is the fear of being alone. Was there ever a time in your life when you were alone and you were happy? Have you ever been alone in nature and enjoyed the beauty of it? Being alone (not in a relationship) is not your fear. Was there ever a moment before your partner that you were happy? The set of beliefs around fear of being alone is a big pack of lies.
My fiance has control, anger, and jealousy issues. i feel like he’s taking out problems he’s faced in the past out on me. (his past relationship, his mom, etc.) According to him, if he controls me he can help me avoid getting in a bad situation. but its making me miserable! He works offshore so he leaves for months at a time and he finds it hard to trust me because “all women are the same.” Apparently we all cheat. They say love is blind. I guess I always make excuses for his irrational behavior. I feel bad for him. He says and does thing that he doesn’t even realize. Its like he has no control over it. I suppose I’m one of those people who wants to believe i can change someone. I know people don’t just change over night but is it possible to change over time? If he goes to counseling do you suppose things could change? He can be a very sweet caring person at times but it changes radically. He continues to say that I don’t love him and I don’t care. I just don’t want to give up on him because I really care but i don’t want to make myself miserable either. Should i invest my time or move on?
Can a people change? The answer is yes, but they usually don’t. Before a person changes they must first want to. And they have to really want to. It will have to be more important for them to change than to be right. And for a man this can be a lot. Most men don’t embrace that kind of change until they have completely exhausted all efforts to change the people around them. Even then most men will get different people around them and try to change them. They will hang on to their story that they were right all along about the people from their relationships. (including mom)
Should I invest my time or move on?
If you mean should you invest time in trying to make it work I am not here to tell you what to do. However it might help to consider a few things.
Do you want to be with him the way he is? Yes he is a sweet caring person sometimes but you are not in relationship with him sometimes. You are in a relationship with him all the time. Your answer needs to be based on the whole person he is. If you base your answer on who he is sometimes you are lying to your self about the relationship you have.
It sounds like the investment you are talking about is in changing him. How much experience do you have in changing another person’s behavior? How successful have you been at this in the past?
To do this you will first have to get him to realize his behavior is a problem and that he needs to change. Of course it will be difficult for you to convey this because he already doesn’t trust you or respect you. (“According to him, if he controls me he can help me avoid getting in a bad situationâ€) He isn’t going to believe you are right about these things because he already believes you are wrong. Believing you are right about his issues also means he has to come to believe he is wrong. People don’t like to be told or made to feel that they are wrong. It makes them miserable as you are finding out. They are more likely to fight back with resentment and anger.
In the relationship as it stands it seems that he is controlling you through anger, jealousy, and putting opinions in your mind that you can’t be trusted with your self. Your reaction to this is to try and change him. In a way you are attempting to control him back. Does this sound like the kind of relationship you want?
The question is, Do you want him the way he is now? The way he really is? Not just the sweet parts, but all of him. That includes his history, his anger, jealousy, opinions, and the way he treats you. Is that how you want to be treated?
If you continue with the relationship you are telling him it is okay to treat you the way he has been treating you. He will continue to control you the way he has been doing. It is not easy to say you agree with the relationship but I want you to change your personality, emotions, and behavior in the way you treat me. This is asking for a different relationship.
People don’t change because you want them to. People change because they want to. And people don’t decide to want to change because you want them to. They have to find that desire to change on their own in their own time.
About the issue of caring for him. You can care for him and love him but it doesn’t mean that you get along or are very compatible. You can have those feelings of caring for him from a distance.
I am in a relationship in which I was the abuser but then I became the abused when I admitted my previous faults. I have my share of problems. He now says he will change as a result of my recent choice to no longer accept his behavior and leave… ie become responsible for his feelings, drop his pride and need to be right, etc. I have seen a sincere effort on his part to be more open and address his faults, we have been able to enjoy conversations. However, I can’t trust this sudden change in character because it is still an unequal relationship. I am holding the power with my decision(in his eyes). He is very afraid of being alone and I don’t believe he has considered it as an option. I also can’t trust change in a person when it hasn’t come from within themselves, I dont think it is a long term solution.
I am very frightened by all of these possibilities. I am also afraid by my inferences that he does not feel he has a choice and that this plea fulfills a need and not a want but who am I to make these inferences?
What I am wondering is if you have any advice regarding this issue. Also, what is Jill supposed to do in that scenario? She cant just accept Jack’s inconsideration but I also understand that she is responsible for her own feelings.
Your concerns in this issue are valid. What are the motivations that you can’t see? How the relationship is still a power struggle when you propose leave it. Can he make real change when his motivation is externally coming from your threat to end it? Is his desire genuine?
One of the most critical issues as you work through this is not just what you do, but more importantly how you do it. What is the base of emotions with which you make these observations and decisions?
For instance are your concerns about all this based in fear? Is there a fear of making the wrong choice? Or, is there an awareness of the risks and consequences without the fear?
When we were children we learned to deal with cars and cross the street through fear. Fear heightened our awareness. Mostly that fear was learned from upsetting our mom or her yanking our arm or yelling at us. But it was fear just the same. As we got older we stopped being afraid of cars. They didn’t get any less dangerous. We just learned how to observe carefully what they are doing, how fast they are going. Even to the degree of whether the driver is aware of us or not. We compile all these factors and we can make a conscious snap decision without fear.
As you become more aware of your self, and the subtle signs to pay attention to in relationships you will learn to drop the fear and make your choices with awareness.
Another Element: I suspect that the fear is about getting hurt emotionally. This all has to do with living in the paradigm that your emotions (feeling hurt, rejected etc) is the responsibility of the other party. I suggest listening to all the podcasts. Start with “Don’t Take Anything Personally†and listen to the first couple sessions in the Self Mastery course. Pay particular attention to the second session on Abdication of Power.
The point is that when you control your own attention and your own emotions there is nothing to be afraid of. (I’m not including the issue of physical violence here.)
As long as you are attempting to solve this relationship problem from a fear paradigm you won’t ever feel really safe. You’ll just be putting temporary patches on a boat that isn’t solid enough to make it through changing waters. There will always be doubts and second guessing in the mind.
I’m not offering advice. For starters it is disrespectful. You are inviting me to influence your life by giving you suggestions. I don’t feel it is wise to put that much power over your life in another person’s hands, including me. This is your life, your decisions. If you want advice from someone, realize that you are potentially giving up power. If you are really serious about advice then set up a few sessions to help you work through this on the phone. But don’t expect me to understand enough of the specific dynamics to give sound feedback from the little I know so far.
What I am offering is something much more challenging and life changing. Free your self from fear and gain mastery over your own emotions and happiness. It is a longer term process, but since you are likely to be in relationships the rest of your life it might turn out to be a sound investment in your self.
Controlling behavior is just a symptom of the real problem. The real problem is fear, and fear based beliefs.