That’s why there is help. I teach people through my individual coaching session how to find and change the agreements that drive their behavior. I also put some of the introductory sessions in audio format in the Self Mastery program. The link for my coaching and the Self Mastery audio course are at the top.

Gary

One of the most critical issues as you work through this is not just what you do, but more importantly how you do it. What is the base of emotions with which you make these observations and decisions?

For instance are your concerns about all this based in fear? Is there a fear of making the wrong choice? Or, is there an awareness of the risks and consequences without the fear?

When we were children we learned to deal with cars and cross the street through fear. Fear heightened our awareness. Mostly that fear was learned from upsetting our mom or her yanking our arm or yelling at us. But it was fear just the same. As we got older we stopped being afraid of cars. They didn’t get any less dangerous. We just learned how to observe carefully what they are doing, how fast they are going. Even to the degree of whether the driver is aware of us or not. We compile all these factors and we can make a conscious snap decision without fear.

As you become more aware of your self, and the subtle signs to pay attention to in relationships you will learn to drop the fear and make your choices with awareness.

Another Element: I suspect that the fear is about getting hurt emotionally. This all has to do with living in the paradigm that your emotions (feeling hurt, rejected etc) is the responsibility of the other party. I suggest listening to all the podcasts. Start with “Don’t Take Anything Personally” and listen to the first couple sessions in the Self Mastery course. Pay particular attention to the second session on Abdication of Power.

The point is that when you control your own attention and your own emotions there is nothing to be afraid of. (I’m not including the issue of physical violence here.)

As long as you are attempting to solve this relationship problem from a fear paradigm you won’t ever feel really safe. You’ll just be putting temporary patches on a boat that isn’t solid enough to make it through changing waters. There will always be doubts and second guessing in the mind.

I’m not offering advice. For starters it is disrespectful. You are inviting me to influence your life by giving you suggestions. I don’t feel it is wise to put that much power over your life in another person’s hands, including me. This is your life, your decisions. If you want advice from someone, realize that you are potentially giving up power. If you are really serious about advice then set up a few sessions to help you work through this on the phone. But don’t expect me to understand enough of the specific dynamics to give sound feedback from the little I know so far.

What I am offering is something much more challenging and life changing. Free your self from fear and gain mastery over your own emotions and happiness. It is a longer term process, but since you are likely to be in relationships the rest of your life it might turn out to be a sound investment in your self.

Controlling behavior is just a symptom of the real problem. The real problem is fear, and fear based beliefs.

I am very frightened by all of these possibilities. I am also afraid by my inferences that he does not feel he has a choice and that this plea fulfills a need and not a want but who am I to make these inferences?

What I am wondering is if you have any advice regarding this issue. Also, what is Jill supposed to do in that scenario? She cant just accept Jack’s inconsideration but I also understand that she is responsible for her own feelings.

Should I invest my time or move on?

If you mean should you invest time in trying to make it work I am not here to tell you what to do. However it might help to consider a few things.

Do you want to be with him the way he is? Yes he is a sweet caring person sometimes but you are not in relationship with him sometimes. You are in a relationship with him all the time. Your answer needs to be based on the whole person he is. If you base your answer on who he is sometimes you are lying to your self about the relationship you have.

It sounds like the investment you are talking about is in changing him. How much experience do you have in changing another person’s behavior? How successful have you been at this in the past?

To do this you will first have to get him to realize his behavior is a problem and that he needs to change. Of course it will be difficult for you to convey this because he already doesn’t trust you or respect you. (“According to him, if he controls me he can help me avoid getting in a bad situation”) He isn’t going to believe you are right about these things because he already believes you are wrong. Believing you are right about his issues also means he has to come to believe he is wrong. People don’t like to be told or made to feel that they are wrong. It makes them miserable as you are finding out. They are more likely to fight back with resentment and anger.

In the relationship as it stands it seems that he is controlling you through anger, jealousy, and putting opinions in your mind that you can’t be trusted with your self. Your reaction to this is to try and change him. In a way you are attempting to control him back. Does this sound like the kind of relationship you want?

The question is, Do you want him the way he is now? The way he really is? Not just the sweet parts, but all of him. That includes his history, his anger, jealousy, opinions, and the way he treats you. Is that how you want to be treated?

If you continue with the relationship you are telling him it is okay to treat you the way he has been treating you. He will continue to control you the way he has been doing. It is not easy to say you agree with the relationship but I want you to change your personality, emotions, and behavior in the way you treat me. This is asking for a different relationship.

People don’t change because you want them to. People change because they want to. And people don’t decide to want to change because you want them to. They have to find that desire to change on their own in their own time.

About the issue of caring for him. You can care for him and love him but it doesn’t mean that you get along or are very compatible. You can have those feelings of caring for him from a distance.

Second thing you will have to do is adjust your time line. You are focused on what you want today or right now. Begin asking what you want the next 5 and 10 years to be like? It’s easy to tolerate the pain of today. It’s just one day. When you project that pain over the next 5-10 years your motivation to take action shifts.

Then there is the fear of being alone. Was there ever a time in your life when you were alone and you were happy? Have you ever been alone in nature and enjoyed the beauty of it? Being alone (not in a relationship) is not your fear. Was there ever a moment before your partner that you were happy? The set of beliefs around fear of being alone is a big pack of lies.